Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
