We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
