he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
