So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
