That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
