Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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