I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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