I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
