You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
