What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
