i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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