I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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