Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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