theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
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i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
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Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
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