ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
