god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my phone needs a breathalizer
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
