I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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