Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
