her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
