One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
