dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
