so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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