If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
