After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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