i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
