$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
