he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
