I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
