I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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