so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
