billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
