my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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