i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
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The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed