I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.