i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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