remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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