i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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