you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
