your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
