3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
