hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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