i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
