I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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