I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
