I love black thongs
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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