Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
