I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
