so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
