I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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