ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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