I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
