Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
