I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
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You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
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I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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