I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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