My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
