I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
