I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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