I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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