Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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