I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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